...that's right, i said kelli.
This is definitely a pity post, so stop here if you don't wanna hear some venting/complaining..i just need to.
I am the worst mom ever.
that's right, EVER.
Mackenzie has been a stinker at night these last two weeks. she tricked me with being so good at sleeping through the night i was beginning to take advantage my night time sleep. Then about two weeks ago she decided to wake up SIX (you heard right) SIX times. boy was i tired, mad, frustrated, even more frustrated cause i had to get up and go to work on my lack of sleep. then next night it was FOUR times. Seriously, what happened to my baby who slept 10 hours at night??! anyway, this proceeded to happen anywhere from 2-4 times a night for about a week and a half. I was dragging at work everyday, and everyone noticed.
Horrible.
To top it off, because i was so tired, i was the worst wife ever. snappy, lazy, and mean. Sorry Ed.
Anyway, afer about day 3 of this, i hear her cry at like 2 am, i sit up to put my glasses on and turn the monitor down so that ed doesn't wake up, and next thing i know its 5 AM!!!! i look at the monitor and see the red lights blaring (happens the louder the noise gets) and sure enough, i must have just turned the monitor down and went back to sleep. i heard mackenzie SHOUTING!!!! crap. i ran to her room to find her under the barrier we made to keep her from getting wedge under her lights and sound monitor. dripping sweat and tears. she was not happy.
worst mom ever.
you think i would have learned right? WRONG!
about day 7 or so, i did it again, only this time i just flat out turned the monitor off (she wasn't crying, i just happened to turn it off like hitting snooze on an alarm???) i woke up at 5 thinking it was strange she hadn't woken up. i look at the monitor, and OFF! oh crap! i turned it on and heard nothing but thought i should check her anyway. I got to her room to see her sprawled out not moving. she had undone her barrier and was now covered (face covered) under LAYERS!!! not moving!!!! i was horrified i threw the blankets off of her and she moved (sigh of relief), she looked at me (more like glared) then went back to sleep. She looked like she had just gotten out of a sauna.. hair soaked, sheets soaked, clothes soaked and all red in the face with sweat and tears. How long was she crying? when did she start? She has only been able to cry herself to sleep twice.. she will scream for 3 hours if that's what it takes for us to go get her.
I felt like crap.
Even more so since i got a solid 8 hours of sleep because i turned off the monitor.
needless to say, we got rid of the barrier. i finally got smart and just lowered her crib so she can't get wedged anywhere and she has done MUCH better now... wakes up only once! yay! but now every moring i wake up to her playing with her dolly in the crib and go in to find her upside down.. she likes to spin when she wakes up and her head ends up at the foot of the bed... it's so cute but so weird.
okay enough complaining.. i just had to get it out.
i need to be a better mom.
Oh my sadness! That is so so sad. But mostly I just feel for you! I would probably feel the same way... although because I am not you and I'm just reading about it... you are being way too hard on yourself. Stuff like that happens! Now, if you intentionally turned off the monitor just so you wouldn't have to hear her cry... that would be different. But you are still a great mom and I think little Mackenzie will be ok. Luckily nothing super serious happened. What a scary thing, by the way, to see her laying there under tons of blankets! Freaky. I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm not sure if you'll approve, :), but I convinced my dr to induce me. I am seriously having a mental break down and have never been so awful in my life. That's why I begged. And also... hopefully so you don't think I'm the most awful person ever... I wanted to tell you that I only did things like walking and pineapple to get labor going. I never did the other wacky herbs and caster oil and stuff. Although I guess some people don't approve of stripping membranes and I did that. Anyway... my doctor said my body and baby were ready but my body didn't know how to keep my contractions going long enough...so we'll induce tonight. Am I an idiot? It's ok... you can tell me what for if you want. And Kell, you're not an awful mom. I promise.
Chin up Kelli. Things like that happen. My kids never slept through the night until they were two. I am in full appreciation of needing sleep. Don't be too hard on yourself, but I can certainly understand the horrible feelings you would have. :-)
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